“See, you want to have sex with her. I just want to fuck her anal.”

Walking towards STAPLES Center from the south side, there are always teenage boys skateboarding. Usually they’re focused on skateboarding, making fun of each others follies and other nonsense, but I usually never hear their conversations. At least, usually their conversations don’t make any impressions with me.

But this one had me giggling. I actually had to stifle a laugh as I walked past them taking a break from the action on a planter. I thought it was a lovely holiday-themed conversation to have with friends, but it had me wondering.

Isn’t it easier to convince a girl to have vag secks rather than butt secks? Girls don’t have prostates, so when penises go up their bum there is no pleasure center for the penis to hit.

Then a friend with a protected Twitter account sent me this gem:

Wow.

I’ve heard of this phenomenon of girls preferring anal in order to keep their virginity. It’s not a foreign concept to me, but I thought it was more of an urban myth. But I talked to several heterosexual media folks last night about this, and they confirmed that this was true. One said it was mostly catholic girls who followed this practice. Figures.

Wow! Just fascinating. Straight people CAN be interesting after all!

But it does raise a very important question: does this make me a virgin?

Saturday I woke up finding out the Kings game against the Colorado Avalanche was at 1 p.m. not 7 p.m. Oops. This was the best thing to come from it:

Watched The Great Dictator and A Woman Under the Influence Saturday night.

Today I had a Santa Barbara reunion with Derrick, Skick, Staci, Kevin, Matthew, Antonia and Daniel. Skick and Derrick got me the candle shown above for Xmas. Ho-ho-how lovely I said.

I am now dead.

Or some kind of bullshit.

So as Americans there is something all of us can agree on: making fun and being frightened of the Russians simultaneously. Here it goes:

1. Stop using religion as a refuge of your homophobia. The Bible doesn’t say that homosexuality is a sin any more than it says wearing blended fabric is a sin. If you don’t like gay people and don’t believe that we deserve equal rights, then you’re homophobic. You’re not religious. You’re not righteous. You just have hate in your heart.

So fuck you. Fuck the whole lot of yous. If you spout that sort of shit too close to me, I just might punch you in the throat. After I punch your throat, I just might take a big hot steaming shit in your mouth. Does that make me intolerant? You bet your damn bippy it does. Is it me impinging on your religious beliefs? No.

Fuck you cunts.

2. It’s a fucking reality show. Has culture devolved so much that we are taking our moral cues from a reality show?

I’ve never watched “Duck Dynasty”. I never want to watch “Duck Dynasty”. I don’t care about anyone on “Duck Dynasty”. I don’t even know what the fuck it’s about.

What the fuck do I care if someone on that show is a raging racist and homophobe? Why the fuck should anyone care if someone on that show is a raging racist and homophobe?

If you really care about changing this sort of discourse, do something productive about it. Find religious leaders who are not homophobic and give them a platform. Vote out the homophobic politicians. Be more visible.

3. Free Speech. I’m seeing a lot of liberal blogs saying that free speech doesn’t mean you deserve a television show, that free speech doesn’t protect you from getting fired. And they’re right.

So let’s get rid of this Duck guy. Let’s obliterate him.

But back in the 1960s, that’s not what these liberal activists were fighting for. College campuses across the country wanted open dialogues and all of that other nice stuff in their utopian wet dreams. Now they want to squash open discourse?

4. Culture Wars. I can’t help but notice this has become a war of crisp suits vs. white trash. There is a condescension from the “elite” dictating how the “everyday man” should live. So did you really think the stupid conservative and tea party fuckwits wouldn’t jump on that?

5. All of you are sniveling pussies. ALL of you.

Anytime something you don’t like comes up, you have to get on Facebook and Twitter and bitch about it. Kim Kardashian is a cancer. Kanye West is stupid. Duck Dynasty are racist.

All of your bitching does nothing but legitimize these people. (See the end of No. 2 for possible action plans.)

I understand that in writing this rant, I am being a bit of a hypocrite. But I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.

6. Fuck political correctness. Political correctness in this country has become an Orwellian scourge. It’s made it so that no one can say anything for fear of becoming unemployable.

Sometimes we need this sort of shit to pop up to tell us that we still have a ways to go.

Look. There will always be homophobes, racists, rapists, misogynists etc. As much as we want to live in a peaceful loving world, it will never happen.

What this Duck guy said was wrong. His beliefs are reprehensible. I get it. A lot of people get it.

But the response to what he said has now turned him into a martyr for the right. It has legitimized his beliefs however radical they may be.

All I’m asking is get a fucking grip people.

Since September I have been riveted to the television watching college football games. Just one fuck up can cost a team a chance at a national championship. From 9 am to midnight out here on the west coast, there’s nothing but football.

Who are we kidding? Almost all of these games minus the Cotton Bowl are shitty. ESPN owns a lot of these games, so they are desperate for people to watch them.

Below is my preview of all of the non-BCS bowl games. Have fun.

A month ago I wrote that I don’t like Will Ferrell. With Anchorman 2 in theaters yesterday, I thought I be a little more fair to the Anchorman franchise and Will Ferrell. So for the sake of fairness I decided to watch the first Anchorman movie.

Boy, that was a mistake.

It had an identity problem. It’s a comedy that had flat jokes, a misogynist’s wet-dream, a moral tale of the evils of misogyny, a parody of news anchors and the 70s and an excuse to have a bunch of cameos. Perhaps a plot could have helped anchor the movie a little and helped the jokes and gags have some sort of impact.

But the thing I hated the most about the movie was how obvious the humor was supposed to be. I hate movies that insult people’s intelligence. It’s lazy and overbearing like a bunch of frat guys drank a bunch of beer and wrote the script.

I really fucking hated this movie. Really. So I’ll just skip the sequel, and this will be my last mention of it.

Monday will mark the final regular season NFL game at Candlestick Park. The 49ers will move down to Santa Clara next season, although they will get to keep their “San Francisco” city designation. It’s like the Angels taking the “Los Angeles” designation. Or the Rams doing the same thing while playing at Anaheim Stadium (which is now Angels Stadium of Anaheim or something).

Nonetheless, Keith Olbermann paid a proper tribute to that shithole. And before you pissy “Friscans” get your panties tied up in a bunch thinking it’s an LA guy disparaging SF, I’ve said many times that they should demolish Dodger Stadium and start over.

When I take public transit, I always have this fear of being stranded. Sure I have a phone and can call a cab if things get real hair raising, but the fear of being stuck is always in the back of my mind.

Last night after covering the Kings game, I had to get back home. I usually take the Silver Line to STAPLES Center, and as of Sunday the southbound stop moved one block over from Figueroa and Pico to Flower and Pico. As seen above.

After posting my story about goalie Martin Jones’ great start — his the third goalie in NHL history to have three shutouts in his first six NHL starts — I headed over to the new stop.

The first fear was not being able to see the bus stop sign. After twice avoiding walking over a homeless person sleeping on the sidewalk, I finally saw the sign hidden by trees on the sidewalk. Brilliant.

Then the bus was late. I started to get the panic that it went to the old stop. But no. The Metro app said that it was coming to this stop. An app wouldn’t lie, would it?

After 10 minutes of being late, I started walking over to the old stop. But before I could get very far, I saw the lights of the Silver Line bus. No need to throw up, it was coming.

Finished. JimmyBramlett.com. Thanks for the 12 years.

I hate Christmas. I hate the holidays. I hate families. So of course this makes me go back to the wonderful John Waters movie Cecil B. DeMented. “Family is just a dirty word for censorship!”

In the spirit of the holidays, I wrote my tribute to them in my Lakers story on Friday. It was sparked by one too many stupid pictures on Facebook. So the first four paragraphs of the story I wrote:

The holidays are such a miserable time. There’s a myth that people enjoy being reunited with the family. Perhaps that is a good myth to be comforted by. The television commercials make it seem wonderful. The only problem is that it’s a bloody lie.

Reality hits. You realize how much you hate your family. Drunk Uncle Jeff who has one too many egg nogs and pisses his pants. Aunt Bessie who is probably the most selfish person you’ve ever known. Cousin Jeff who likes burning things. Mom complains you never call. Dad tells everyone to pull his finger. Older sister slept with all of your childhood friends, and your younger brother is esconsed away in his third stint in rehab. And lord knows how many packages of tube socks and droopy drawers you’ll receive.

And all of your friends on Facebook who post messages and pictures of hope and joy are just fucking liars who have no soul and probably are closeted serial killers.

It’s a nightmare, and unfortunately the Lakers will not give you a couple of hours of solace.