I finally got off my ass to do one of these things. There are a couple of flubs, and the production value ain’t gonna win no Emmy. But here it is for better or for worse. I hope you like it. As the Trevor Project would say, it will get better.

I figured if I’m going to go all in with the Premier League, I’m going to have to do the whole waking-up-early bit. So here I am waking up at what appears to be 6:30 in the morning — who knew they made one of those in the morning? — to watch a bloody football match. And, of course, here’s the obligatory selfie of what I look like after I put myself together enough to create a selfie of myself after I wake up. Imagine Joan Crawford accepting her Oscar in her sickbed, in a nightgown with full-on makeup.

So I have an excuse not to be fully awake as the match started. It’s 3 pm over in West London. What’s Chelsea’s excuse?

Like they did this past Monday conceding the early goal against the newly-promoted Burnley, Chelsea looked lethargic against the also-newly-promoted Leicester City in their home opener. Sure, Chelsea has several good chances to get on the board in the first half, but the Foxes showed they could create just as many chances as well.

And this brings me back to what I mentioned on Monday when I highlighted all of the losses Chelsea suffered last year to the likes of Sunderland, Stoke City and Crystal Palace. The Blues tend to play down to the competition, and that’s ultimately what did them in last year.

Whatever Jose Mourinho told the lads during halftime worked. In the space of 30 seconds, Oscar hit a post and Branislav Ivanovic had a great header that required a good save by the Foxes. But that just seemed to fire up Leicester who had a three-on-two requiring a great save by Thibaut Courtois.

Speaking of Courtois, much has been made of Mourinho going with the Belgian over Petr Cech. In the 55th minute, David Nugent had a breakaway. As he felt Cesar Azpilicueta and John Terry starting to converge on him, Nugent shot the ball right outside the box. Courtois rushed out to challenge and just got a leg on the shot to send it harmlessly wide.

Diego Costa finally got a goal in the 63rd minute, and Eden Hazard sealed the deal in the 77th minute with some fancy bit of footwork.

After the 2-0 win, I guess we’ll see how they do with better competition next week against Everton. But now that it is 9 am, I think I’ll head back to sleep.

today is madd’s birthday. she’s __ years old. (it’s rude to divulge a lady’s age, don’t your parents teach you no manners, asshole?) here is a bad webcam picture of me in front of two of her paintings that hang above my bed. ok. there is an awful glare on the painting on the right which is a deep green background. sorry.

she has a lot of paintings that you could purchase, and it would make her day if you bought some. her website is MadPaintings.com. you can even commission her to do a painting!

i’ve known this bitch since high school. how we met is a bit confusing especially since we didn’t go to the same high school or have any afterschool classes or activities together. but she is one of the few people i’ve known for just around two decades or more. (how’s that for dealing with age?)

so happy birthday madd. moodle noodle. ha!

Last season Chelsea’s losses were against Everton (not too surprising), Newcastle, Stoke City and awful late-season losses to Aston Villa, Crystal Palace and Sunderland, their only loss at Stamford Bridge. For a little while it looked like this game would be another one of those losses.

The league’s best defense from last season inexplicably looked like they were sleepwalking after a Burnley corner. Nemanja Matic cleared the corner directly to Dean Marney. A pass here, a pass there and there was Scott Arfield just inside the box to give Burnley the 1-0 lead just inside the 14th minute. Jose Mourinho wanted to address Chelsea’s lack of offense last year, and it looked like he sacrificed defense in the name of scoring.

Bloody hell, as the Brits would say. This was going to be worse than Swansea beating Manchester United in Louis Van Gaal’s first fixture as United’s manager.

But just three minutes later, the Blues were brewing up something of their own. A bounce off the woodwork saw the ball magically appear at Diego Costa’s foot who seems to always be in the right place at the right time.

And the game was all but decided just four minutes later thanks to this beauty by Andre Schurrle, what Deadspin calls the goal of the year contender.

Ivanovic made it a 3-1 halftime lead for Chelsea, and the second half was just a 45-minute game of Keep Away.

The big surprise of the game was Mourinho going with Thibaut Courtois in goal in favor the veteran Petr Cech. As he told reporters before the match:

I suppose we’ll see how this plays out throughout the season and if one of them gets sent out during this transfer window by the end of the month or the midseason window in January.

This was quite the start for Chelsea. Many folks have picked Chelsea to win the Premier League this season. As a fan that scares me. Whenever there’s any sort of consensus about these sorts of things, something will get fucked up along the way. But three points coming out of Turf Moor are three points towards easing my fears.

Now to Saturday where they host Leicester City, another promoted side.

i decided to try and meet my homeboy p-22 at griffith park, but he didn’t want to show up. in fact, i don’t think p-22 has ever shown himself willingly to humans.

i park at the entrance to the west end of the park off of canyon road (west of western ave.) and make the climb up. usually i head east to mt. bell and mt. hollywood to avoid the crowds heading westward to mt. lee and the hollywood sign, but i just said fuck it. i’ll go to the fucking hollywood sign. so i did.

the entire hike was a little longer than i anticipated. it was 6.41 miles and went from about 675 feet in elevation to 1,650 feet. fortunately the climbs in palos verdes trained me well since i was able to do the climb just fine. sure i was a bit winded here and there, but nothing too bad.

once i got to the top, it was amazing to see the view of los angeles on one side and glendale and burbank on the other. to think that this was supposed to be someone’s home until the crash of 1929. if i had more time, i would have gone over to cahuenga peak right next door.

in all it took me over two hours to do. i didn’t see p-22. i didn’t see any snakes. but i did get to see the hollywood sign up close, and i got to see a bunch of tourists make their trek in the summer heat. there were no jumpers (that i know of).

on the suicide note, i’m still a bit numb about robin william’s death. i watched insomnia last night and realized what a great actor he was. actually that movie was well made all the way around.

anyhow there’s a lot of hot air surrounding the news. the he’s-such-a-selfish-pussy nonsense and the we-need-to-get-serious-about-mental-health. blah blah blah blah. it gets better. we all love you. what do you have to be sad about? it’s a good thing i’ve avoided the hot-takes in recent days because i probably would have killed myself just to get away from it. (i know. tasteless.)

basically, can you people just shut up for a second? thanks.

I might be a little obsessed with this.

Only one image from last night’s Dodgers 5-0 loss to the Angels remains seared in my mind today. It wasn’t the Dodgers first inning implosion. It wasn’t Yasiel Puig’s fingerwag to Erick Aybar in the sixth inning. It wasn’t Mike Trout’s fingerwag to Yasiel Puig in the seventh inning.

It was this. When Zack Greinke flew out to right field to end the second inning with the bases loaded, I could have sworn I saw Angels starter Garrett Richards reach out as their paths crossed and give Greinke a dick tap. As these images were rolling live before my eyes on the Fox Sports West (aka Angels) broadcast, that’s the only thing my brain processed: OH MY WORD, RICHARDS DICK-TAPPED GREINKE!!!

Over the last several years the more I covered professional athletes, the less I understood them. The majority of them are stuck in an arrested adolescence, a state where their need to prove their masculinity takes homoerotic tones long past their teenage years (see: every Greg Maddux story).

I’m sure the majority of heterosexual men do not greet each other with a dick tap. At least, I have not seen it done in my presence. I’m also pretty sure the only time homosexual men greet each other as such is to feel out the hardon and announce their intention to fuck. I think. I’m such a hermit and feel I’m a little out of touch with life outside.

Here are some questions.

1. Is the dick-tap a common form of greeting for heterosexuals?
2. What other homoerotic acts to heterosexual professional athletes engage with one another? I know about the jersey shredding after walk-off hits. But is there more subversive acts like piss drinking? Spitting in each other’s mouths?
3. Why have gay men not use the dick-tap regularly as a salutation?
4. Can I go up to guys and dick-tap them?

I really think this opens up a whole new world for me.

Freeway Series, Freeway Series, yadda yadda yadda. Of course there are those who wonder if this is the year we will see a Freeway Series World Series considering both teams are playing well. We call these people “fools”.

Since the Angels started play in 1961, only three times have both the Dodgers and Angels made the playoffs in the same season: 2004, 2008 and 2009. And only in 2009 did both teams make their respective League Championship Series. So excuse me if I’m not brimming with anticipation for the Freeway World Series.

What is giving me a hardon, however, is the centerfielder duel between Mike Trout and Yasiel Puig. Hell, if a porn showed up in my mailbox with the two of them going at it all nasty, that would indeed give me a hardon and then some.

Too bad all of that pent up anticipation amounted to a whole bunch of nothing thanks to the top of the first inning. Zack Greinke made 21 pitches in that dubious half-inning giving up a single and two doubles to Kole Calhoun, Mike Trout and Albert Pujols that scored two. Then Hanley Ramirez made a horrific throw to first base on Howie Kendrick’s grounder that allowed Erick Aybar to score the third run. A David Freese single brought in Kendrick, and there it was: a 4-0 Angels lead.

After a bottom second when Angels starter Garrett Richards got out of a bases-loaded jam unscathed, the game got back on the rails to what everyone expected it to be: a well-pitched game. Well, except for the hanging changeup Greinke grooved to Josh Hamilton in the sixth inning to give the Angels the 5-0 lead.

Garrett Richards tossed his first career complete game shutout making it still baffling that he did not make the All Star Game.

So the showdown between the two centerfielders? Trout got the double in the first inning. Neither player had to make any superlative play in the field although Trout was lustfully booed after tracking down fly balls from A.J. Ellis and Greinke in the fifth inning. But the duelling Mutombo fingerwags were the real payoff.

In the sixth inning with Erick Aybar on first base, David Freese hit a fly ball to center for the second out. Puig caught the ball and threw over to first base to make sure Aybar didn’t tag up then did the Mutombo fingerwag at Aybar.

In the seventh inning Pujols took second base after Josh Hamilton flied out to center. Trout, in the dugout, returned the Mutombo fingerwag. See? A little bit of fun to break the monotony of this 5-0 game.

With a Hector Santiago-Clayton Kershaw duel tomorrow, we can only hope for a more compelling game. Please.

some people think hiking in palos verdes is a breeze. and for the most part it’s true. but there are places where it can get to be a bit strenuous, especially in the middle of the summer.

while going up the ishibashi trail at the portuguese bend preserve, this girl in her early 20s and in shape had to stop. her friends, a boy and girl also in their 20s, looked like they didn’t know what to do. the boy had his shirt off, so i told him to drape her head with the shirt to give her some sort of shade. they had water, so i didn’t need to donate that. they found some candy so she could get some sugar in her system.

they also had a phone so if things got really dire they could call for help. so i moved along. apparently they were a part of a bigger group who decided to do some outdoor exploring.

and it made me feel a little better than my fat ass was in decent enough shape to do this hike.

Vin Scully is returning to the Dodgers broadcast booth next season, and hopefully more than 30% of Angelenos will be able to listen to him on SportsNetLA.

I have been fortunate to have been at Dodger Stadium for some special moments. When Nomar Garciaparra hit the walkoff home run in the 10th inning on Sept. 18, 2006 to give the Dodgers an 11-10 win over the San Diego Padres. When Jonathan Broxton closed a 3-1 win over the Chicago Cubs in the 2008 NL Divisional Series for the Dodgers first postseason series win since the 1988 World Series.

But none of those moments came close to what was heard in the middle of the second inning after Josh Beckett got BJ Upton to strike out swinging to end the top of the second.

The Dodgers aired a “breaking news” video where Hyun-Jin Ryu announced in Korean that the 86-year old Vin Scully is returning for 2015, his 66th season. Then Yasiel Puig announced the same in Spanish which got some in the crowd excited. Then Justin Turner translated for everyone else, and what happened was a couple minutes of a sustained standing ovation.

“It is very difficult to say goodbye,” said Scully in a statement. “God willing, I will be back next year. Over the years I have been blessed to have so many friends, including those that sit in the stands and listen, as well as those at home who listen and watch. It is just too hard to say goodbye to all these friends. Naturally there will come a time when I will have to say goodbye, but I’ve soul-searched and this is not the time.”

There are very few times when Dodger Stadium shakes because of the crowd, and it’s a near certainty that its structural integrity will be tested when Vin is honored. I wasn’t there tonight, but I can only imagine how it was on Vin Scully microphone giveaway night.

Now, as to whether anyone will be able to tune into Vin, that’s another question. Time Warner has recently agreed to binding arbitration after six local congressmen asked them and other local television providers to do so. Directv has refused. It’s unknown whether Time Warner’s olive branch is merely a PR move. But knowing the reputation of content providers and congressman, it’s safe to keep the bullshit meters up.

Of course, all of this serves to bury what a poorly pitched game this 8-4 Dodger victory over the Atlanta Braves was. Dodger fans tend to be spoiled with pitching. For the last two seasons now we see Clayton Kershaw, Zack Greinke and Hyun-Jin Ryu dismantling the opposition. See what they did in San Francisco to bring the Dodgers from 1 1/2 games behind the Giants to 1 1/2 games ahead of the Giants by Sunday.

So when Josh Beckett made 95 pitches through four innings, it was a shock to the senses. He made 37 pitches in the third inning alone, 26 of which came after he gave up a two-run homer to Freddie Freeman to give the Braves the 3-2 lead.

It’s clear Beckett is still adjusting with life after his dominant fireball-dealing days, no-hitter notwithstanding. His fastball has tons of movement hitting the gun as high as 92 mph which is hopeful. His problem is control which is leaving much to be desired. But as spoiled Dodger fans we should get over it. It could be a lot worse. Brett. Tomko. Mark. Hendrickson. Jason. Schmidt.

But if the offense can continue the pace they’re on, then that should ease the Beckett-Dan Haren blues. Matt Kemp golfed two home runs to the opposite field bringing back memories of his 2011 season. Meanwhile Yasiel Puig was a home run short of a natural cycle going 4-for-5 scoring two runs. And for the first time this season the Dodgers have a four-game win streak.

With the Giants losing to the Pirates 3-1, the Dodgers now have a three-game lead in the division. And to top it off, their 60-47 record leads the National League.

even when it gets over 90f.