jimmy

When I first heard the “Blurred Lines” last year, it was in the Dodgers clubhouse. It was cool sounding, and it helped that Juan Uribe was dancing to it.

Then I listened to it and the lyrics and just about fell off my chair. It’s a very thinly veiled song about rape. Take the chorus:

And that’s why I’m gon’ take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You’re a good girl
Can’t let it get past me
You’re far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you’re a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

I know you want it. I hate these blurred lines. Must wanna get nasty. These are all things rapists use to justify their actions.

But it amazes me how a polished pop song that is catchy and very dancey can get people to just not give a shit. And here he is at Dodger Stadium to perform before the Dodgers-Giants game. Everyone loves him! The Dodgers, the reporters, the ones who hate Yasiel Puig and think he will undo civilization. Puig is evil, but a singer who sings about rape is a-ok.

So maybe I’ll write a song about raping and disemboweling children, set it to a pop dance track and watch it get to the top of the charts.

I’m disappointed with everyone: the Dodgers, MLB, the reporters, the media. Then again, I was one of the few voices to shout about Tampa Bay Rays reliever and rapist Josh Lueke when he was called up last year for the Dodgers series.

For the eighth consecutive year I attended the Dodgers home opener, and for the first time since 2008 I went as a civilian, not a member of the media. When Cathi and I arrived at the Ravine, she received a mobile alert from the Dodgers: Yasiel Puig would be benched for arriving late.

“I can’t wait for the goddamn columns to be written about Puig,” I told her.

Don Mattingly did the right thing: he benched Puig and inserted Matt Kemp in his place. Puig had been late before and needed to pay the price.

“Yasiel Puig is the very thing that stands to undo the Dodgers’ World Series championship hopes,” wrote Jill Painter in the lede of the her column in the Daily News. Continues Jill:

Not injuries to Clayton Kershaw or Brian Wilson or any other player.

Puig couldn’t even make the time to be on time for the Dodgers’ home opener Friday. He doesn’t care about his team or his bosses or the fans who hang on his every at-bat.

Don’t listen to anything he says. He’s not responsible. He’s reckless and selfish and his mistakes are inexcusable.

I love Jill, and we had fun disagreeing. But this is a bit melodramatic. I know if we talk she will say something like, “At some point he needs to learn.” To which I will reply, “You are right, but it won’t be his fault if the Dodgers don’t win it all.” Besides, the Pittsburgh Pirates will win the World Series this year.

The Dodgers lost spectacularly to the Giants 8-4, the Giants scoring all eight runs while Hyun-Jin Ryu was on the mound in the first two innings. Ryu couldn’t find the strike zone in the first inning without finding a Giant bat. Balls were bouncing like pinballs in the outfield. It was two of the more amusing innings I’ve ever witnessed.

I have more about this day, but for fear of this being a thousand-word post I’ll just leave it at this.

Monday I sat on my Fatty McFat ass watching baseball all day. So yesterday I went to the Forrestal Preserve to do some hikin’. Each step uphill I could feel food churning en mi estomago. Because of a tiny storm that passed through overnight, the skies were clear and it was blustery.

But it made for a pretty scene which was nice as I was dragging myself up the hill.

Last night we got a little more rain, and this morning it was real blustery. As in 20 mph sustained winds blustery.

While negotiating this stretch, I was a bit afraid of being blown off 100 feet down the cliff. But I got through it and went through the Ocean Trails. I decided to go a little further and cut through Trump National.

Benjamin, Catherine, Tyson and Emma were so generous to take me to a birthday dinner at Damon’s Steakhouse in Glendale on Saturday. After dinner where Emma commanded me to draw everyone she knew with crayons, we went back to their homestead for cake, Scrabble, Archer and avant-garde music. Emma and I did a duet of “Old McDonald” while I interspersed bits of Bikini Kill’s “Rebel Girl” here and there.

By the way, the cake is a lovely chocolate raspberry cake with white chocolate shavings on top.

Today I spent the morning watching my Pirates beat the Cubbies 1-0 with a walkoff homer by Neil Walker in the bottom of the 10th. All of this instead of being active. But that’s fine. I do like the start of a baseball season, and I’m glad that I have an MLB.tv subscription. And now that I have a Roku, I can actually watch these game on the TEEvee rather than my lappy.

This time the Dodgers were in San Diego to open the season for the rest of the Majors. And I won’t go into how the Padres always pander to the military-industrial complex with those ugly camouflage Sunday uniforms, how the military is only there to protect the freedoms of the rich elite, etc.

The game came down to a disastrous eighth inning for the Dodgers. In came the bullpen to relieve seven strong innings from Hyun-Jin Ryu, what the experts say is a strong deep one for the team. The Dodgers held a 1-0 lead, and with Brian Wilson on the mound in the eighth it started to look like Game 2 from Australia. In Sydney the Dodgers nearly coughed up a 7-0 lead by giving up a run in the eighth and four runs in the ninth.

In this one the margin of error was much smaller, obviously. A slider over the plate to pinch hitter Seth Smith to lead off the bottom of the eighth was dispatched into the right field seats to tie the game. As bad as that might have been it got worse.

Wilson walked pinch hitter Yasmandi Grandal, botched a bunt by Everth Cabrera. Grandal then stole second and Cabrera took second on defensive indifference. The Padres, though, weren’t indifferent when Chris Denorfia hit a two-run single that gave the Padres the lead.

A liner by Chase Headley that bounced off of first baseman Adrian Gonzalez and back into the infield, that ended Wilson’s night with no outs recorded.

Chris Perez and Paco Rodriguez got the Dodgers out of the jam.

Although the Dodgers lost 3-1, the game set up perfectly for the Dodgers. With the payroll they have, the most in the Majors, there is a tendency to focus on the offense. To see if Yasiel Puig, Hanley Ramirez, Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier, Carl Crawford, etc. are going to be the murderer’s row this side of the 1927 Yankees.

But that’s not the Dodgers. The Dodgers narrative will always be pitching, and that narrative took a hit as Clayton Kershaw opened the season on the disabled list with a strain of his Teres Major muscle — a muscle that connects the back to the arm. If Kershaw is out for any extended period of time, that will bode trouble for the Dodgers hope to repeat as division champions.

But for today the Dodgers had Hyun-Jin Ryu. Without looking at his starts last season, it seemed like this one followed the same script. Ryu got in trouble early, squirmed out of it, then shut the opponent down.

In the first inning with runners on second and third with no outs, Ryu got Chase Headley to strike out swinging. He then pitched around Jedd Gyorko which I assumed meant he wanted to set up the double play. That’s exactly what happened: Yonder Alonso bounced back to the box for the 1-2-3 double play.

In the second inning, Ryu had runners on first and second with no outs. He got Rene Rivera to fly out to right, starting pitcher Andrew Cashner sacrificed and Everth Cabrera struck out swinging, the first three outs of 16 consecutive outs. Three hits and two walks over two innings for Ryu, but most importantly no damage was done.

As for the bats, the Dodgers only managed four hits. Two of those hits came in the fifth inning which coupled with two walks gave the Dodgers the lone run they scored through eight innings.

So it didn’t work in this game. It’s just one game with one pitcher having a tough stretch. The Dodgers get the day off tomorrow while the rest of baseball begins.

1. The Houston Astros will compete in the AL West. I know people expect Houston to be competitive in a few years, but sometimes these things happen ahead of schedule. They will compete with the Oakland Athletics for the division. The Angels and Mariners will hover around .500, and the Texas Rangers will have a really shitty season.

2. Yasiel Puig will be placed on the disabled list with a leg injury. After all of the hubbub of him being a cancer in the Dodger clubhouse, the worst thing to happen to baseball and other things that these white straight male sportswriters write about the guy, Puig will hurt himself in June trying to extend a single into a double. The same white straight male writers will have a grin of smug self-satisfaction and masturbate themselves into ecstatic oblivion.

3. Clayton Kershaw will be on the disabled list. After signing the big contract extension, he will inevitably get injured. Oh wait! It’s already happened!

4. Tampa Bay Rays will win the AL East. Meanwhile the Yankees and the Red Sox will continue to play five-hour nine-inning games that will set the entire Eastern Seaboard into a somnambulant daze.

5. The Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals will be in the World Series. At least, that’s what I’m rooting for.

6. Most of the major tv providers will continue to balk at paying for SportsNetLA all season long. Dodger fans get used to not seeing them on television and are able to fully live their lives as productive members of society. The Dodgers will have to cut payroll to Tampa Bay Rays level, and the Angels begin to enjoy a new era of popularity.

Here will be the division winners:

AL East: Tampa Bay Rays
AL Central: Kansas City Royals
AL West: Houston Astros
AL Wildcards: Cleveland Indians, Oakland Athletics

NL East: Atlanta Braves
NL Central: Pittsburgh Pirates
NL West: San Francisco Giants
NL Wildcards: LA Dodgers, St. Louis Cardinals

It’s a bit funny to see people’s reaction to last night’s La Habra Shake (thanks Militant Angeleno!). I felt the 5.1 quake here at The Manse, a slight rolling sensation. Once I realized it wasn’t going to get any stronger, I went to confirm to my grandmother that it was indeed an earthquake and not just her first step into dementia.

On the news it’s been noted that we’ve had a 20-year lull since the Northridge quake, so it’s interesting to see people’s reaction. I heard people saying they ran outside which, while understandable, is probably the most retarded thing to do. Sure you probably won’t be trapped in a building should one collapse, but you could be hit with pieces of building, trees, power lines, busted water main, busted gas lines. In fact the chances of bad shit happening outdoors is greater than just staying tight inside in most cases.

I’m fine with these smaller quakes. As I pointed out yesterday, I’d rather deal with these sorts of quakes rather than the bigger stuff like the 6.7 Northridge quake, the 7.3 Landers quake in 1992 which was quickly followed by the 6.5 Big Bear quake that same day. I’d rather have five smaller farts rather than one huge gargantuan one.

So maybe this means people will flee from where they came from. Please? LA is dangerous! OOGA BOOGA!!

I was behind an SUV (of course) that had this bumper sticker at a red light. I really wanted to get out, go up to him and shatter his knee caps with a crowbar and whisper, “Is this man enough for you,” while licking his tears of pain. Unfortunately I didn’t have a crowbar.

When I was a teenager I always imagined one of two scenarios when I reached 35.

1. I would be a productive member of society, doing lord knows what, but in a nice apartment (never a house) doing fun things and just chugging on the machinery of life.

2. I would be dead of an overdose before I reached 30.

It’s funny to see these romanticized visions we have of ourselves back in the infancy of our schooling age. Or, maybe, it’s just me.

Fun note: if I only expect to live until I’m 50, 70% of my life has already passed.