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The Passenger

Blog 0 comments books, cormac mccarthy, the passenger

I Am the Passenger

jimmy

June 17, 2023

It’s funny because I’m not usually as angry as my last few posts have hinted at. I do have angry thoughts, but no one in my real life ever provokes them out of me. It isn’t until I read something that pisses me off enough that I have no other option but to write about it to allow it to pass. Eh, whatever.

But that’s not what this is about. I just wanted to talk about Cormac McCarthy a little since he died this week. I hadn’t read anything by him until I picked up The Passenger, which with along with Stella Maris were his last novels published last year, back in April. I knew about his acclaim, with “Better Than Food” YouTuber Clifford Sargent declaring he’s the best (at-the-time) living American writer we have. While I am skeptical of the hyperbole, I have no doubt that McCarthy was one of the best.

Well, I finished The Passenger last night, and… I don’t know. I can’t say I understood what was going on the whole time. I understood the main character Robert Western, a salvage diver and physics guru, was running away from his past, from something that even he didn’t know. Or he didn’t really seem to care. He just wanted to run towards the end, but he didn’t have the suicidal tendencies of his sister (and surprise surprise) the unconsummated love of his life who was also a math genius. While mostly set in New Orleans, he eventually winds up in Ibiza and… I don’t know? The novel ends.

I had a hard time getting through the book initially. I think because I saw the hype and was expecting it to hook me right away, I couldn’t be bothered with it until it did finally hook be about halfway through. Or maybe it was my own stupid malaise or whatever-it-is-that-has-been-going-on-with-me-for-the-past-several-years. But there were great captivating parts of it. One part that especially grabbed me was in one of Alicia’s delirium scenes (written in italics),

What you write down becomes fixed. It takes on the constraints of any tangible entity. It collapses into a reality estranged from the realm of its creation. It’s a marker. A road ign. You have stopped to get your bearings, but at a price. You’ll never know where i might have gone if you’d left it alone to go there.

p. 297

That hit me like a bullet. I realized that is part of why I don’t write in a journal/diary despite knowing I probably should.

I don’t know if I can say I liked this book or not. Perhaps I need to reread it. Perhaps I need to reassess it after reading Stella Maris. But not quite yet. I need something easier, so I’m going with The Meaning of Mariah Carey (which I hear is pretty damn good.)

Blog 0 comments dodgers, pride, protests, sisters of perpetual indulgence

Breeders, Fuck You

jimmy

June 16, 2023

I find it odd that a bunch of catholics would come and protest this and not the fact that their cult is known for adult men fondling and fucking boys. Not just a few boys, mind you. Not just a few incidents. But a lot. So much so that a fucking movie about exposing these crimes won the Oscar for Best Picture. That’s fucking rich. And they’re upset the Dodgers are honoring a group of catholics who actually helped the gay community especially during the height of the AIDS crisis? When no one would touch us and the fucking president just thought it best to let us fucking die?

Fuck you.

Let me be perfectly clear with you heteros. Pride is not about us queers subjugating ourselves for your acceptance. It is about us making ourselves seen and heard and demanding that we are seen as fellow humans just as we are, not whatever versions make heteros feel comfortable. We’re not all your gay best friend, the little accessory you take shopping with you, that will plan your parties, weddings, what not.

Yes, you might be uncomfortable with some of us. And you know what? Tough titty. For once you have to navigate our world that we had to create because of your ostracization, and you want us to feel bad? Get fucked.

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Why Do I Withhold Pleasure?

jimmy

June 13, 2023

Lately I’ve been hankering comfort foods that I had growing up, namely Korean soups that the Grandmother would make when I was growing up. I finally relented and made kimchi stew. Despite knowing how relatively easy it is to make, I had never made it before. After sautéing the pork belly and wilted sour kimchi, adding the water and green onions with the final voila of the tofu, I sat down to taste it. Armed with a bowl of rice, seaweed paper, seasoned bean sprouts, seasoned perilla leaves, I took that first sip. The spicy sourness mixed with the richness of the pork fat and the warmth of the stew just combined to knock all thoughts out of me. I was in heaven.

The memories came pouring back in of sitting at the table with the Grandmother as she brought out the kimchi stew and I was warmed up by it and it was the most nourishing thing ever I could eat it forever. And that happened again right there. Each sip, each bite just brought so much happiness. It certainly wasn’t the sensuality of Proust’s madeleines, but nonetheless it just made me so…

I also decided to make radish soup with beef, a light soup that has a slight sweetness to it that also reminds me of the Grandmother. After seeing how easy it was to make these, I wondered what took me so fucking long to make them.

I remember folding out the table for dinner, the Grandmother heating up the soup and bringing out the rice and side dishes, sitting down at the table and eating away. If my cousins were over, they would also be sitting and eating along with us. There wasn’t anything really profound said, but there is comfort in there.

But here I am some 25 years after the fact having pure joy ooze through me sip after sip of the soups.

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The Dodgers Are Still Pussies – An Update

jimmy

May 23, 2023

Oh look who met with the Sisters and have now publicly apologized and reinvited them back to Pride Night! Aren’t they so goddamn heroic? Sure, I’ll give them credit for coming to their senses and acknowledging that they made a mistake. I honestly didn’t think that would happen.

But let’s not forget what I said in the original post. Corporations’ morality is guided by capitalism, not altruism. Hardly courageous.

Sisters

Blog 0 comments dodgers, homophobia, sisters of perpetual indulgence

The Dodgers Are Pussies

jimmy

May 20, 2023

Maybe no one told the Dodgers that the pull-out method doesn’t always work. If you’re going to fuck someone with no protection, then you gotta accept the consequences. For their Pride Night, the Dodgers were going to honor the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, but a bunch of Catholics and right-wing Nazis wrote a bunch of letters and the Dodgers got scared. The Dodgers have decided to uninvite the Sisters. Of all the fucking people to listen to. Yeah, we’ll take our moral cues from a bunch of pedophiles and white folks who live in a delusional racist utopian fantasy. These are the same people who think black pepper is too much spice.

Fucking pussies. I guess that’s what happens when a fucking capitalist investment what-the-fuck-ever soulless vampire owns the team.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, after all these Pride celebrations have just turned into corporate grab-bags for our queer dollars. Bud Light and Bank of America sure as hell didn’t want anything to do with us in the 80s when we were being killed off by AIDS. Now that Nazis and spineless soulless vampire politicians are attacking us queers, these corporations are showing just how tenuous their connection to us actually is, just how easy they are willing to toss us aside to ensure their bottom lines are as fat and juicy as possible (the only thing black they like, by the way.)

I also shouldn’t be surprised that the Dodgers would do this in light that they waited until that fat fuck Tommy Lasorda finally died before honoring Glenn Burke last year, arguably the creator of the high five and the first openly gay MLB player in the late 70s. His Dodger teammates didn’t care that he was gay and Burke was considered the heart of those 1976 and 1977 World Series teams. Burke refused the Dodgers offer of a honeymoon if he married a woman and was traded to the A’s in 1978. He was out of baseball by 1979 and died of AIDS in 1995. But the Dodgers couldn’t honor Burke until the guy who refused to acknowledge that his own kid died of AIDS and was gay kicked the bucket.

This is just a reminder that corporations and sporting teams don’t care about anything except your money. Capitalism is their moral guide, and they will always do what will make them the most money. I guess what makes it infuriating is you hope that life isn’t this cynical, and once you are proved wrong it just fucks you up.

Dead Souls

Blog 0 comments books, dead souls, gogol

Why Am I Obsessed with Russians?

jimmy

April 10, 2023

Since the first time I read Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment in high school, I was obsessed with the Russian language. I thought the book was so genius that I figured if I read it in its original Russian I would unlock even more of its genius. I guess it shows how I’ve always been wary of translators.

I’ve been slowly reading Nicolai Gogol’s Dead Souls, and it really has me questioning why I’ve been obsessed with the Russian language. He doesn’t really paint a pretty picture of the Russians here, and do I really want to invest my time with learning the language of these really unsavory folks?

I first heard of Dead Souls around that same time in high school but after I heard the song “Dead Souls” by Joy Division by way of Nine Inch Nails (it was the mid-90s after all.) How fucking hardcore is it, a novel with the title of Dead Souls unapologetically teasing the puritanical public? With the chorus of “They keep calling me,” playing in my head, I was expecting something haunting and filled with torment, like the best of Poe, Shelley and Dostoevsky. I most definitely did not expect an incomplete satire of still-feudal Russia around the mid-19th century with no haunting over-, under-, anytones at all. That did not interest my 18-year old gothy self, so I put the book down.

After several more aborted reads through the years, I finally hunkered down to finish it this time. Well, as much as one can finish a novel whose manuscript the author burned parts of right before his death. Hell, even that piqued my teenage interest knowing it back then, something that was so evil that the author had to expel it from this world, like a tortured Lovecraftian soul. But no monsters or anything like that here, just the evils that seem to be burdening the Russian soul during the turbulent period. And really, the characters that Gogol come up with are about as lovable as canker sores.

Let’s start off with our hero Pavel Ivanovich Chichikov. A disgraced customs officer, he now goes around trying to buy “dead souls” from landowners along the Russian countryside in a get-rich-quick scheme thanks to a loophole in the Russian bureaucracy. While Gogol bemoans the influence of western Europe into Russian culture, I guess the German bureaucracy wasn’t one of them. Chichikov does everything to get these people to sell him their dead serfs and to keep the scheme under wraps: charming Manilov; screaming and bullying the elderly widow Nastasya Korobochka; appeals to the greed of Sobakevich. The only person he fails to appeal to is Nozdryov, the town liar, cheat and drunkard. I guess like attracts like, right? Finally rumors start building up against Chichikov, the town turns against him and he is forced to flee, and at the end of the first book Gogol gives us a flashback to Chichikov’s rise and fall as a clerk and eventual customs officer.

In the second book, Chichikov is older and in a different part of Russia and still going around with the same scheme, starting over from scratch. Eventually he weasels a loan from a Kostanzoglo, a very respected and hardworking landowner, to buy a depressed property. Chichikov’s greed eventually gets him in trouble, he is jailed and released thanks to the help of his shrewd friend Murazov and again is forced to flee. The novel ends midsentence as the prince who jailed Chichikov was giving a speech speaking out against corruption.

Everyone is quite awful. The miserly Plyushkin when he realized Chichikov was going to give him money for his dead serfs, “And suddenly across that wooden face glided a warm ray.” (Part I, Chapter 6, 140.) And at a party that he is invited to in the first town, Chichikov noted that of millionaires “many people know full well that they will get nothing out of him and that they have no right to get anything, but they will invariably run ahead to meet him along the way, for instance, or laugh at his jokes, for instance, or doff their hats, for instance, or strive mightily to wangle an invitation to a dinner to which they’ve learned the millionaire has been invited.” (Part I, Chapter 8, 179.)

Gogol also notes the social hypocrisies in Russia. Chichikov, upon seeing that the serfs on Petukh’s property are well off, “But as soon as they start enlightening themselves there, in restaurants and theatres, everything will go to the Devil.” (Part II, Chapter 3, 336.) But for himself, after his lowest of lows in jail once he is able to access some of his possessions and the outlook of his release looks good “He felt a surge of hope, and once more he began dreaming of certain enticements: an evening at the theatre, a dancer whom he was running after. The country and its peaceful ways began to look paler, the town with its hum and bustle again brighter and clearer. Ah life!” (Part II, Concluding Chapter, 413) Mmmhmm.

By the end of Part I, one thing that I understood more was the amount of ambivalence in Russia on where they stood in the world. In the descriptions of the parties and people throughout the book, there is a palpable tension between Russians who want to be seen as more “cultured” and take on the airs of French and Prussian cultures and those that see Russia as a separate entity that should be able to carve their own sphere of influence. The last paragraph of Part I, “Art not thou too, O Rus, rushing onwards like a spirited troika that none can overtake?” Gogol conjures this image of Russia as a runaway carriage speeding away and finally asks, “Rus, whither art thou racing? Give an answer. She gives no answer… [A]ll that exists on earth flies by, and , looking askance, other peoples and nations step aside and make way for her.” (Part I, Chapter 11, 282-283.)

It makes me understand a little more of the psyche of the country here at the end of their feudal period, the end of their empire, the beginning of the USSR, the growing pains of their early capitalism and to now with Poo-tin conjuring a mythical Rus which I guess is like that spirited troika rushing onwards seemingly without any purpose. I guess the question is should be step aside and make way for her?

It should be noted that Gogol was born in the Ukraine, and in Part I Chichikov was telling people that he would be taking all the serfs he acquired back to the Kherson region along the Black Sea.

These are just some thoughts I noted while reading Dead Souls. There’s just too much to go over here. I’m not even talking about how it’s subtitled “A Poem,” and how Gogol had at some point wanted to structure it a bit like Dante’s Inferno (although scholars debate this, I can sorta see it.) It’s a strange book that I liked very much despite it not being a gothic horror. It was humorous, ridiculous at times, and it really left me wondering what a completed version of this book would be.

To get back to my initial question. Sure Gogol poked a lot of fun at Russians and really highlighted a lot of ambivalence that still exists now amongst the people. I mean I’m not sure as to how I feel about Russian culture. But I still do want to learn the language. Who wouldn’t want to read Мёртвые Души untranslated?

20230401_152328

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This is 44

jimmy

April 1, 2023

I did nothing elaborate this year. No weekend trip to Berlin. No big orgy bash. Had dinner at The Little Door on Third Street in Mid City with Madd Sunday night. Tonight Gina is coming to take me to 71 Above. So no biggie.

A big thing I noticed this year is that my mental age is nowhere near my physical age. Physically I do feel 44. I’m thicker around the middle. Thanks to bouts of sciatica over the years, I have dead nerves in my left foot (meaning I have no feeling in parts of it.) It takes a little bit for my muscles and bones to stretch out and get me in motion.

But mentally, I still feel like I’m in my 20s. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I still hate and don’t trust anyone. I don’t want to share my bed with anyone. I hate vacuuming/sweeping/mopping.

So I’m 44. And I take solace in the fact that it can only go downhill from here.

Bret Easton Ellis - The Shards

Blog 0 comments books, bret easton ellis, literature, the shards

That’s So Bret!

jimmy

March 20, 2023

I don’t know how to process Bret Easton Ellis. I don’t know if I like him, think he’s a twat, find him being a performative act. I just don’t know. I tend to like the fact that his opinions piss people off, and I always find myself not really caring what it was that pissed those people off. But fuck, he comes off like a pompous ass which sets my hair on end.

(From a Goodreads review of this book: “Banal, polemical, self-indulgent, misogynistic, sensationalist, verbose, and frankly, just all over the place. Ellis is an edgelord who brought to mind those wannabe auteurs like Sam Levinson whose work is desperately trying way too hard to be transgressive and brilliant (emphasis by the reviewer.)” Bret must have really pissed this reviewer off.)

Nonetheless I always tend to like his novels. I love his drug-hazed, philistine characters who are bereft of any emotions. I like the how they can be like caricatures at times much like how I love Gregg Araki’s characters in this teenage films.

In The Shards, Bret goes faux-tobiographical to his senior year at Buckley, a rich hoity-toity private school in the hills. It’s 1981, the start of his senior year, and he just wants to get through senior year and get the fuck away. A few things keep him occupied: writing his first novel which would become Less Than Zero; staying mostly in the closet by dating the prettiest girl in school Debbie Schaffer while having side pieces Matt Kellner and Ryan Vaughn; having a crush on his best friend Susan Reynolds’s boyfriend Thom Wright; a serial killer nicknamed The Thrawler on the loose attacking random young women in the area; a new kid Robert Mallory from Chicago transferring in his senior year who has a mysterious past who Bret thinks is mixed up with the serial killer (if not the serial killer himself.) Bret documents the murders, the parties, the shenanigans that all lead to the climax on Saturday night, November 7, 1981.

Bret does a great job of setting the scene. He gets everything down to the clothes, the scent, the cars, the places, the soundtrack. While the aforementioned reviewer thought it was Bret flaunting their status and wealth, these are things that 17-year olds are obsessed with regardless of status. As someone who grew up 15 years later (and much poorer) on the other side of the hills, I did appreciate the details. As cool and blasé as he wanted to be, he fully acknowledged some of the naïveté he still held on to: when his girlfriend’s father Hollywood producer du jour Terry Schaffer came calling for script ideas, he was disappointed when it amounted to nothing more than a booty call. I also thought it was funny that Bret kept interspersing full names throughout the story as if he was also trying to keep acquainting himself with the characters.

This book could have used some editing. It is 588 pages, and there are parts when Bret takes us out of the narrative to tell us just how his friends don’t understand all of his misgivings about Robert Mallory. Even I did not see how he jumped to the conclusion that Robert was the Trawler, although I would have liked to have seen them hook up.

Yeah, the book is worth the read. Bret Easton Ellis can be a total cunt for all I care, but he surely can create one hell of a story.

Buy from Bookshop.org

20230223_164052

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Raindrops (and Hail) Keep Falling on My Head

jimmy

March 5, 2023

We’ve gotten quite a bit of rain here in Southern California. From last Friday to last Tuesday in Downtown LA we’ve gotten almost six inches of rain. I know in our local mountains some places have received 10 feet of snow.

The bulk of the rain fell here on Friday and Saturday. I made sure that my fridge was full so I wouldn’t subject the food delivery folks to the treacherous road conditions — there was no way I wanted to be out there, so how in good conscious could I subject anyone else to that shit?

After a gloomy and cold couple of weeks, next weekend is supposed to get warm again. I can’t wait.

Unwound

Blog 0 comments music, unwound

I’m Weak

jimmy

February 18, 2023

I got tickets to the Numero Twenty fest just so I could see Unwound again tonight. Also I realized I didn’t have The Future of What on vinyl, so I got a copy along with another tee. It was a shorter set tonight unfortunately, but here it is:

  1. Abstraktions
  2. All Souls Day
  3. Envelope
  4. Hexenzsene
  5. New Energy
  6. Usual Dosage
  7. Corpse Pose
  8. Go to Dallas and Take a Left
  9. For Your Entertainment
  10. Valentine Card
  11. Kantina
  12. Were Are and Was or Is

Also playing was Karate, Chisel, Tsunami and UI. I missed both UI and Tsunami. Also it was at the Palace Theater which is two blocks from my apartment. So you understand why I had to go see Unwound, right?

No? Well fuck you.

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Yesteryear

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