Fuck! Goddamnit. I had a dream about The Grandmother last night. I really thought after almost five months since her death and three months since my last dream about her I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore.
This dream takes place during that week after her initial emergency room visit and before the final emergency room visit when we placed her in a nursing home. She’s sleeping on her “bed” in the living room and tries to get up to use the bathroom. Unlike real life, she could actually turn over without assistance and get into a crawling position. Like real life, however, she wasn’t able to stand up or walk unassisted. Also, most importantly, she wasn’t wearing a diaper for whatever reason.
I’m in the dining area talking with a lady — a neighbor, a case worker, I don’t know — and I see The Grandmother struggling. I sense her urgency, so I go to try and help her get up quickly. But she’s struggling and flailing and stumbling about. It’s a really sad scene, and I’m there trying to help her, crouching down to try and make it easier for her to stand up. In the process of this struggle, she’s crying and screaming out that she’s going to piss. I’m mentally screaming out wondering why we gave in to The Grandmother’s request to keep her out of diapers all the while struggling to maintain control of the situation. The lady is just watching all of this happen without even trying to help.
What I remember from that week The Grandmother was immobile at home was how exhausting it was physically and emotionally. I had no control, and I really wanted to crumble. I couldn’t, and I knew I couldn’t. So there I was until the final day when I looked at her face frozen in death’s grimace and started bawling.
I don’t know what brought on this dream. Perhaps it was from talking to a neighbor the other night. She helped me bring The Grandmother upstairs into the apartment before the first emergency room visit. I guess talking with her brought up some of these emotions. Or maybe it was seeing the president of Korea being impeached.
I just hope this isn’t a regular occurrence.