Aubrey Huff Misplays a Ball
Aubrey Huff Misplays a Ball

This picture is a good illustration of my ability to play right field: I got none.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that the Dodgers were playing the Angels at Dodger Stadium. In the middle of the game the Angels find out they’re out of outfielders so Manager Mike Scioscia tells me to go out on the field. Before I can protest that I have no baseball-playing abilities I’m being pushed out on the field in my everyday clothes, not an Angels uniform.

You see there is only one sport I can play with any sort of competency: tennis. I can’t catch. I can’t hit a ball with a baseball bat. I throw like a girl. I can’t skate. I have little or no hand-eye coordination.

So there I am in right field at Dodger Stadium. I don’t know who’s at the plate, but thwap! The line drive comes screaming at me. I try to judge the trajectory perfectly and stand right where I think the ball will drop in my glove. So of course it drops a foot over my head.

The next batter hits a bouncing single to right field. I bend down to get the ball to my glove, but I have Bill Buckner moment – the ball goes under my glove and between my legs. E9 and a run scores. I feel the glare of the other outfielders as I hang my head in my ineptitude.

Next batter: a ball comes to me. At this point all the hitters are deliberately targeting my horrible defense. This repeats itself with less and less detail until I wake up.

Moral of the story? Don’t play baseball or be anywhere near a situation where I can be inserted into a game.