4. What is your attitude toward animals? If you have any pets describe them. What is your ideal?

I love most animals most of the time. I can’t say that I enjoy seeing a rattlesnake when I’m on a trail. I can’t say that I enjoy seeing a deer jump out on a highway in the middle of the night as I’m driving at 80 mph. But it’s not like I wish them dead. I just wish they would avoid me at those instances.

I don’t have any pets right now since my grandmother is allergic to cats and doesn’t like dogs. I know, a Korean who doesn’t like dogs — ha ha. But I am a cat person. I love they are independent and you have to work for their love. They don’t just give you unconditional love. You have to earn it.

5. Are you satisfied with your sex life? Describe your ideal of a physically attractive sex partner.

No. As a live-in caretaker of my grandmother, I’m limited in what I can do. However even before then it’s not like I had gratifying sex. For the most part it was boring. Hell, I even had one guy tell me to quiet down because I was talking too much. I would have rather he just slapped me across the face.

My ideal physical partner is older than me, 6’5″ or taller, completely burly — or at least burly enough to throw me around on a bed — a nice thick 7 to 8 inch cock and arms I could use as pillows. The guy could be completely hairy or smoother than a baby’s ass. Blonde, brunette, bald, silver — again it doesn’t matter.

Holy shit.

2. What do you expect to accomplish through membership in the Church of Satan?

I honestly have no idea. I’m sort of doing this as a laugh/writing exercise, so I really have no expectations.

3. If you were granted three wishes, what would they be?

1. I would ask for unlimited financial resources. The one thing that causes a lot of stress in people’s lives is money and the lack thereof. So why not eliminate that stress for good? That doesn’t mean I’ll spend my life doing nothing and lazing about. It just means that I won’t have to do something soul-sucking and thankless.

2. Peace in my family. Some people in my family are just cunts. I would like them to be civil and decent to one another so they don’t drive me to my grave earlier than I want.

3. No more bad sex. That’s pretty self-explanatory.

Something compelled me to the Church of Satan’s website today. Looking through I saw if you sent $200 and filled a thorough application, you could become an active member in the Church of Satan. Part I of the application is general information: name, spouse, address, etc. Part II contains 40 questions that the applicant must answer on a separate sheet of paper. I’m not going to apply, but it might be fun to answer these 40 questions. So here it goes, one at a time.

1. What are your impressions of The Satanic Bible?

First of all, just a style note. “The Satanic Bible” should be either underlined or italicized since it does refer to a title of a book. For me, I prefer book titles to be italicized.

As for the book itself, you see, I haven’t read it in over a decade. I would have liked to brush up on it recently, but an aunt of mine just donated the bulk of my book collection to charity mistakenly. So there is that.

But from what I remember of it, it’s basically an extension of Nietzsche’s renunciation of the concept of god. It realizes that god is a human construct, and it forces humans to be self-reliant. There is no divine intervention. There is no fate. It’s just us. Of course, I’m doing this from memory, and that memory has been taxed with fun and party and drugs back in my 20s.

Of course I have questions about it. Like how come there are rituals when it emphasizes man. And without a god, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of creating a “church”? But once I buy the book again, I suppose I’ll find such answers.

I really fucking hated 2014. It’s a miracle I made it to Dec. 31 without offing myself. Let’s just hope 2015 is a little better.

With sports mostly in my rear view mirror, I fell back into music this year. Hard.

However, for the most part it was disillusioning. I figured with the mechanism of music distribution largely decentralized, the likes of Taylor Swift and those pop princesses who produce bland mediocre music would be nearing extinction. But no. Everywhere you turned, there she was. With her stupid retarded cat. With her appropriation of the retro-80s fitness video. Gag me.

So I mostly retreated to what was safe and familiar for me: industrial music. It’s like high school all over again!

Aesthetic Perfection – ‘Til Death

I really liked this album for perhaps all of the wrong reasons. I always wondered what a male version of Lady Gaga would sound like. This is the closest I’ve ever heard. Of course Daniel Graves doesn’t have all of the contrivances of a Lady Gaga, the production and art team to surround him, etc. But it was sexy, energetic, slightly ominous and just plain fun to listen to.

Liars – Mess

Even when listening to this album on a CD or mp3s, there is a distinct Side A and Side B. This is perhaps their most concentrated effort since 2006’s Drum’s Not Dead. Side A is a burst of energy makes you want to break things. Side B is more muted, a somber study that echos the tribal aspects of Drum’s Not Dead.

Trust – Joyland

Moody. Surreal. Dancey. Scary.

D’Angelo – Black Messiah

Holy shit. This picks up where Voodoo left off in 2000. And despite being 15 years in the making, it doesn’t sound forced. It’s a protest album that stays true to the sexiness that D’Angelo’s music oozes.

Aphex Twin – Syro

Another artist who has been out of commission for a bit. Although this return was intended as a compilation of Richard D. James has been up to the past few years, it sounds fresher than most things out there.

Swans – To Be Kind

I never cared much for Swans during my music cultivation period (i.e. adolescence) of the 90s. But holy shit Michael Gira and company have been on fire since 2010’s My Father Will Guide Me up a Rope to the Sky.

..

Here are other things I was listening to that were not released this year.

Skinny Puppy – Weapon

Front Line Assembly – Echogenetic

Coil – Black Antlers

Hole – My Body the Hand Grenade

D’Angelo released his new album Black Messiah at midnight, and holy fuck is it good. It’s one of the few pieces of music that had me overcome with emotions. As I’m typing this, I’m in my second listen of the album.

It has been said that in creating this album, D’Angelo and his collaborators record to tape rather than the new-fangled digital methods more commonly used now. I don’t know if that’s why the album sounds real organic, warm and really fucking sexy, but it’s quite old school.

And speaking of old school, as you can tell from the picture above I have gone analog in my writing. That is a snapshot of my journal which I have started going back to. Maybe I’ll scan some entries and post them here? Maybe I’ll just keep it to myself and post edited versions here. Just call me Anais Nin.

A week after the revelation, I’m still a bit paralyzed as to what to do. One thing I did was take inventory of the books I actually have. Although I have a Goodreads account, I don’t like the way it handles libraries. It’s actually really cumbersome to use it that way.

So I created a Libib account. 60 books. My entire library as of right now. It reminds me of a John Waters quote: “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!”

Words to live by.

I’m unsure as to how to proceed. I don’t know whether I should re-buy the books I had already read as if they were trophies of conquests. It’s this one question that has me completely paralyzed right now.

I suppose I should just get out there to the used book stores and get to work.

Well, I’m not exactly bookless. This is the extent of my physical personal library right now.

When I moved back to San Pedro in Dec. 2009, I couldn’t bring all of my books with me. Thanks to the packrat ways of my mother and grandmother, I would have to part with my book collection temporarily.

Eventually they found a home in my uncle’s attic. Sure it really sucked I couldn’t have them with me, but at least I knew once my stay here was done I would be reunited with them.

Earlier this afternoon, my uncle’s wife came in and told me she had given them away to charity by mistake earlier this year. I couldn’t say anything. In fact, I think my face just froze into the disbelieving smile I had.

She thought I would be angry, but sadness was what took hold of me. I reassured her of that.

I feel really retarded that I’m basically grieving over this. I hadn’t had them with me for about five years. It’s not like I thought of my books everyday.

Sure I owned several hundred books — I never did a full inventory of my library, but I’m sure it was quickly approaching 500. But there were handwritten annotations I made in the margins, the memories of where I was when I read a certain book, where I was in my life, where I was when I bought the book. Books from bookstores that no longer exist, books that I read to ignore the stupid crushes I had on straight boys. There were the books that I bought just to be subversive. The books I bought because I didn’t want to read the books I was assigned to read.

I feel like part of my identity had been ripped from me. I know how stupid that sounds. I know all of this is irrational. But that’s what I’m feeling right now. Maybe this will go away soon.

Since my family got together for Thanksgiving last night, I have the day to fart around. I was feeling off because of the increased sodium intake, so I knew I had to do something. Since it’s damn near 90 degrees here in Southern California, I thought it would be a great day to go to the Forrestal Preserve for the first time in months. And it was gorgeous out there.

Sure I went only 2 miles, but what this lacks in length it makes up with… elevation (not girth you fucking perverts). It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so the initial climb was a bitch. It goes from 443 feet to 801 feet in 0.35 miles — that’s an average of a 19% grade right off the bat.

Now I’m back home doing laundry.

I’m not thankful for anything you fucking bastards.