Still Dreaming after Four Years

It’s been a little over four years since the Grandmother died, and I had a strange dream about her last night.

For some reason my mom still lived at the old apartment but was getting ready to move out. I was walking around and out of the corner of my eye saw someone who looked like The Grandmother sitting on a bench and talking to random people. I do a double-take and start bawling. I’m still confused as to whether that lady was the Grandmother, but my part of my brain that controls my emotions just unleashed this torrent of tears.

I eventually make my way to the old apartment, and I see my mom is also affected by this doppleganger but says nothing. I look in the hallway and see The Grandmother walking out. What the fuck? I’m still not understanding any of this, so I just sit down to try and think through all of this logically.

I ask the Grandmother how she could be there, that I saw her dead, and I was the only person who saw her face right after she died. But she doesn’t say anything. She just sits down in the living room and watches Korean television.

My mom and I go into the kitchen and decide that we will keep the apartment for another couple months until we figure out what is going on. I also decide to keep taking her to her acupuncture and doctor schedules and spend the next couple of nights in the apartment.

The next morning, the Grandmother goes into the master bedroom closet and disappears. It’s strange, but I decide to go back to my current apartment to pick up some clothes and supplies. When I get back to the old apartment, my mom is asking where The Grandmother is. I tell her the last I saw her she was in the main bedroom. We’re looking around, and there is no sign of her. She had vanished.

So I’m wondering if she is really dead or is alive in an alternate universe.

End dream.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my psyche, but I woke up emotionally spent. I don’t know if I have some lingering guilt about her death since I was her caretaker. I mean shit, it’s been four years.