Last night a world opened itself to me. Re-opened is probably a better term. It was the first time since I moved back to San Pedro back in 2010 that I went out and saw live music performances. I went over to the Complex in Glendale to see a bunch of projects perform in the Renegade Hardware 2 benefit.
I actually feel ashamed it had been that long. For the first several years I was busy with the Dodgers and the Kings and whatever sports came my way. Then, of course, there was The Grandmother. But now that I’m unshackled by these restraints real and imagined, I realize I can do these sorts of things again.
It really was a night of revelations, that with each passing second I was in there little bits of information embedded in the air in the sounds would transmutate into the energy waves and implant themselves in my brain. For the first time in a long time, I’m truly excited by music, excited by the sounds being made, excited by the journeys these artists are taking.
When I walked in Artifact Corruption was onstage performing. It is really breathtaking to see a shirtless lithe figure on stage banging away on an oil barrel and other assorted metal bits augmenting his beats. Immediately I remembered watching a band play a tiny upstairs bar in Santa Barbara back in 1998 or so called Fifth Column Fetish where one of their instruments was a big 5-gallon water jug filled halfway with broken glass and smashed with a microphone. While that was simply noise, Artifact Corruption incorporated that into the beats creating an aggro-noise wonderland.
Next came on Dimensional Dryft aka Falling Skies which really reminded me of the stuff cEvin Key was doing in the late 90s with Download and his solo project. It made me sad that I couldn’t appreciate it back then. But here I was bobbing around to the beats and completely engrossed.
Databomb made me wish I had taken some acid and was able to sit down right in the middle of the floor and just let everything blanket me. Actually I envisioned everyone just sitting around communally all on acid/shrooms/whatever just tripping to the sounds in unison.
But of course I came to see SOLVE. It’s very rare that I get to watch something live that I just discovered in the very recent past. Even when I was going to shows all the time at the Smell in the mid-00’s, that never happened. There it was on stage, the chants, the beats, the music, the sublime. One thing I missed about going to live shows is how the entire building shakes in the onslaught of sound. What was more evident in person was seeing how the music was a journey of transformation.
It was just past midnight by the end of his set, and my ass had already turned into a pumpkin. I left and unfortunately missed Fractured Transmission and WASTE vs. Vuxnut.
It took me a couple of hours to calm myself and finally fall asleep. I really feel like I’m in my early adulthood again with the same doe-eyed naivete. I’m almost sickened by myself.
The only reason I really look forward to my birthday is that I get time off from work and that I usually rent an Airbnb out in the middle of the desert in the Joshua Tree vicinity with a pool, hot tub, and no one around for 5 acres. So here I am in Landers (or a bit away from it really) whose claim to fame was that it was the epicenter of a 7.3 earthquake in 1992 just hours before a separate 6.5 earthquake centered in Big Bear hit on a Sunday morning. Wild stuff.
I arrived here yesterday, and on the way had to stop to get gas. Since this stupid fucking illegal war with Iran has driven gas prices sky high again, I’ve mostly been back on public transit again because, fuck that. There I was at the Arco station jaw agape as the $30 went to $40 and on up until it landed at $72 for 13 gallons of gas. Yes, the “cheap” gas.
I’m going to be spending most of the time in or around the pool trying to finish Schattenfroh by Michael Lentz. I’m at around page 604, so I have about 400 more pages to go. I’ll be honest — I have no fucking clue what’s going on in the book. It’s a slow, slow read and demands your attention but not in a painstaking way. It’s a very enjoyable read, but I honestly don’t know how we get from one part to the next. Instead of trying to make sense of it, I’m just riding the wave, going where it’s taking me and try to make sense of it later.
I’ve started working on a couple of things with myself and hope to get better at as I begin my 48th year on this planet: I have started to journal more. It’s the most mundane scatterbrained thing. I hope it doesn’t cause someone’s head to explode when they go through my journals after I’m dead. (How cute. I think I have any importance that people will actually read what I write rather than just dispose it like they should.)
I need to curb my YouTube addiction. I don’t watch tv shows. I don’t watch sports all that much. I don’t use TikTok. I only doomscroll through Facebook at 3 am after I have woken up to take a piss. I am no longer perpetually online. But I will sit down and waste hours upon hours watching YouTube videos. I really need to get that in check.
That’s all I’ve got. Overall, I’m not happy, but I’m not completely depressed. Let’s just call it nonplussed. For someone who feels like a stranger in his own country, I guess that’s about as good as we can hope for.
Occasionally, after reading certain books, when his disgust for daily life became particularly marked, he longed for the lenitive hours immersed in a cloister…
There is just a clause in the above sentence in the first chapter for J.-K. Huysman’s The Damned (Là-Bas) that really stuck out to me: “when his disgust for daily life became particularly marked.”
I had to go back to work today after two weeks off. The first week I did a road trip that culminated in being in a cabin for two days in Choteau, Montana that had a hot tub. It was nice to sit in the hot jets while it was 18F (-8C) outside. Then I meandered my way home before just doing nothing for the second week. Just sitting with my cats, sleep, and tell myself I was going to mop my floors before doing none of that.
After these weeks of doing a whole bunch of nothing, to my horror it was time to go back to work. The dread of walking into my office which I liken to a monkey cage at the zoo, plugging in my laptop and opening Outlook. Emails filled with complaints. That was the dread that was inside of me.
So I get it when Huysman’s protagonist Durtal has a “disgust for daily life.” It’s certainly reassuring that not a lot has changed over the last 130 or so years.