Fuck Marriage, Or Maybe Not

Just Married
Getty Images

Anyone who knows me or reads this futile attempt at a blog knows that I’m anti-marriage. I’m not only against gay marriage, I’m also against straight marriage. If you read even deeper you could infer that I am not the romantic type.

In fact over the weekend while messaging online with a prospective suitor-of-sorts, we were talking about Joshua Tree and the desert. He said, “at some point i would like to fist you in a setting like that.”

My response: “You’re so romantic.” I still don’t know if my response was genuine or sarcastic.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, the foxy Christina (@xina) and I had a Twitter exchange while watching the US Open. We were talking about Roger Federer, and I told my story about how I ran into him in the players/media cafeteria salad bar when I covered the 2011 BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells. He politely asked me if he could jump ahead of me at the salad bar, and I in my typical head-in-the-sand way just said go right ahead before looking up and seeing one of the greatest of all times.

For some reason my mind started to think how tennis players are perhaps the only athletes I could ever really date because there’s an urbane worldly sophistication about them. Then I started thinking that all steadfast rules have an exception including my personal opposition to marriage.

And voila! That’s how we’ve come to my list of people I could waive my no-marriage clause for.

There are a couple of assumptions involved in this list.

1. If they’re not gay, they will have no problem going gay. Some might be married with kids in reality, but in this thought experiment they will have no problems in going the other way.

2. No domestic violence. As much as we think we know the famous, there are deep dirty secrets they tend to keep. I’m going to assume these guys don’t beat up their partners, haven’t murdered anyone or when enraged don’t tend to beat up on people.

I might have missed some people, but oh well.

Here’s the Listicle in no particular order: