Fuck Sports Music

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Thanks to a discussion on Govinda’s Facebook page about prog rock, here’s a list of things I hate hate hate about songs played at sports events.

1. Rush. If you take a look at the Spotify list of the Kings’ in-game music you’ll see there is Rush. Of all the music that plays, that song is the one that brings me to attention to everything that is going on. Geddy Lee’s vocals makes my eardrums want to file a complaint with the UN citing the Geneva Convention.

The talk about prog rock made me think of this. Being a complete pretentious fuck, my mind gets polluted by shit music all of the time. So here’s my list of complaints.

2. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Flea is a Lakers season ticket holder. Clayton Kershaw’s walk-up music is “Snow (Hey Oh)” which I initially confused as a Tracy Chapman song. I’m sorry. The Red Hot Chili Peppers made a career on playing live with socks on their dicks once, the same funk bass lines, Anthony Keidis running shirtless in slo-mo and what is essentially the same song recycled over and over and over and over again.

3. LFMAO/Black Eyed Peas. These two groups are combined because they make the same songs essentially. Tonight is not a going to be a good good night, and you are not sexy and I know it. There will be no boom boom powing tonight because hopefully you’ve been potty trained.

4. Bro-step. Wikka wikka briudfnhfgidjgoijhrgafg. Thanks to Skrillex and others of his ilk, testerone-overdosed rapist assholes now can get into electronic music. It’s aggressive. It’s jarring. It’s manly. Pee-yuke.

5. Kings warmup selections. During pregame warmups on the ice, the Kings players select the songs that are played. I have likened it to dropping the soap at a gay bath house. It’s pure Euro techno trance, and even dosed with tons of E I would have trouble digesting it. By the way, here’s Dustin Penner writing about his life in EDM.

6. DJ Khaled – “All I Do Is Win”. No No No no no no NONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! No! I’d much rather listen to Jock Jams than this.

One of these days, I need to get my hands onto the controls at these arenas and stadiums.