Personal Fail


As most people know I’m a smoker, have been since I was 16 – half of my life. I smoked a cigarette yesterday morning and decided I was going to stop. Just like that.

And it wasn’t all bad yesterday. Sure I had the cravings, but it wasn’t like I was pulling my hair out. I just went about my day and evening as if I had never smoked, even though I don’t really remember my life before cigarettes.

When I woke up this morning it wasn’t too bad either. I walked to my car, and of course my mind was on cigarettes, but still I could withstand. Then it happened.

Every other time I tried to stop smoking there came a point about 24 hours after when the real withdrawal symptoms started. That’s when my skin starts crawling and it feels like ants are crawling all over me. Granted my hair is a bit scraggy and I haven’t shaved in a while, but the itching, the sensation. It’s all like an acid trip.

So I broke down and bought a pack and with trembling hands that everyone would associate with a nic freak, I put the cigarette in my mouth, started the lighter and took a deep breath letting the smoke envelop my body. At once the itching stopped and the light-headedness started. It’s a great sensation that every smoker hopes to emulate each time they light up. And because it had been 24 hours, it was there.

With the nic fit crisis averted the subsequent wave of depression and failure came. Those are feelings I am very much used to. Like a worn comforter I am used to these sort of feelings. So I do what I do best: I smoke another cigarette.

Edit: I have a whole string of other fails going on in my life which I will probably write about in the coming days. But this is the one that is currently pissing me off.

Image stolen from here