It’s my 28th birthday on Tuesday, and naturally the thought of where I am in life always arises.
For so long things have gotten out of control in my life. Back in high school I was what most would consider an anorexic. It was not severe – I mean I wasn’t like those girls you see on The Insider who are absolutely skelatal and ripe for exploitation. But my diet back then would comprise of a can of soda during lunch and a small bowl of rice with soy sauce and kimchee for dinner. Whenever I ate anything more, I would starve myself for a day or two hoping to get rid of those extra calories. My mantra was, “Just lose 5 pounds and you’ll be happy.” But that happiness never came.
When I started smoking in junior year of high school, I was delighted that I could feel full with coffee and cigarettes. And you know that coffee is a diuretic so that made it all the better. I was more or less my current height (a little over 6 feet tall) and hovered around 175 pounds which was unnerving. I was too fat and no one would love me. Just lose 5 pounds and you’ll be happy.
Towards the end of senior year I was at my lowest weight: 160 pounds. It still wasn’t enough. I wanted to lose more and more, but at that point my mom intervened and forced me to eat. She would make these greasy kielbasa sandwiches that were sopping with grease and oil that horrified me more than watching a J.Lo movie. We would argue and fight, but I had no other choice. Anyhow she would sit there and make sure I eat every last bit. I guess I didn’t try hard enough, right?
Once I got to college, I just resigned myself to the fact that I’m a manatee. So I went up to 180 pounds. 200. 215. I finally topped at around 255 pounds. I didn’t care really. Since then I lost some weight but depression kicked in soon afterward and I went back up in 2005.
In the last year I decided to take more control. Doing so saw me go to the gym more often and getting a better grip of my finances. I’m still looking at going back to school so I don’t have to do this accounting thing as a job.
But some of the best news came last week: I am the new Dodgers writer for LAist! I just want to forge ahead and fulfill my capabilities. Hopefully then I won’t have this whole self-image problem.
So here’s to being 28 and hopefully being a little smarter and happier.