2018 – The Year I Should Have Died

Heart failure. Diabetes. High blood pressure. I really should have died this year. I always thought I would be dead by the time I reached 40. I guess I have three more months before I do hit 40, so there is still time for the prophecy to be fulfilled.

Despite this brush with death, I can’t say 2018 completely sucked. This was the year I started to travel earnestly. From a trip to Vegas in January, my first time in Berlin in March, to a New Mexico road trip, another visit to Berlin with a day in Prague, I was really out and about the world this year.

Astronomical Clock in Prague
Astronomical Clock in Prague
A pro-gun control protest at Brandenburg Gate in Berlin
A pro-gun control protest at Brandenburg Gate in Berlin
Route 666 sign in Gallup, NM
Route 666 sign in Gallup, NM

Here are the 15 artists I listened to most this year:

  1. Nine Inch Nails
  2. Depeche Mode
  3. Ministry
  4. Mr. Kitty
  5. PJ Harvey
  6. Skinny Puppy
  7. Ladytron
  8. Front Line Assembly
  9. Boy Harsher
  10. Zola Jesus
  11. Nirvana
  12. KMFDM
  13. Sonic Youth
  14. Drab Majesty
  15. Siouxsie and the Banshees

As awful as the news has been, I guess things haven’t been all that horrible. Well except for most of my blog “disappearing.” Or the whole almost dying bit.

Here’s hoping for a better 2019.


I Don’t Want To Be Here

I hate being back here in the states. Absolutely nothing feels right.

I couldn’t get the feeling that I was escaping the US by being there on vacation. Everything has gotten so scary, the little reprieve of being in Berlin and Prague was just what the doctor ordered.

My first night in Berlin I went out to Woof Berlin just to find some happiness. At the bar I met Henrick who wondered how I could stand living in the States. He said as a form of therapy he was going to kiss me. I’m never one to turn down a kiss, therapeutic or not.

As his tongue entered I felt with it the spirit of European freedom allowing me to feel spiritually unclogged for the first time in a long time. I closed my eyes and took in all of him, feeling every hair on his arms as they carressed me, fishing down my pants to feel my cock, the touch of liberation.

That liberation was short lived. Now I’m back in the fear, the fight to get any little bit of sanity in my life, of trying to tune everything out but being force-fed everything bit of non-news. I feel absolutely swallowed whole by it. I want to make it stop, but it doesn’t go away.

I don’t want to be here.