I Hate This Feeling (Friends Only for My Protection)

Most of you peoples know I’m not the type of person to get all googley-eyed about boys and stuff. Well I had a dream last night about a boy I loved years ago. As typical with my life, it’s a strange little story. This goes back to spring semester of my senior year of high school. I met Bill at Yesterdays, the coffeeshop I used to go to all of the time in Redondo Beach. He worked there part time, and I thought he was the cutest thing since CareBears. I got to know him gradually, and I just fell in love with him as a person (well as in love as you can be when you’re 18). I would’ve confessed my undying love to him, but I was getting ready to move to Santa Barbara for college. I didn’t want to get into a relationship or anything emotion-filled then have to cut it off months later. I didn’t think I could handle it. So I just decided to keep mum about it and torture myself as any other 18-year old goth kid would have done. Once I left for Santa Barbara, I missed him terribly. He had this infectious personality that left everyone in a good mood. I missed our glitter sessions with Bjork as a soundtrack. I missed him accompanying my guitar with his little bongo drum. Eventually, I realized that I have to move on and just get over it. Nothing is less attractive that a brooding whiny 18-year old. Really. Several years go by. Bill had left an imprint in my mind, but I wasn’t like I was constantly thinking about him. I mean every now and then, I would just wonder how he was doing and all, but it wasn’t all that bad. After all, I would probably never see him again, and I resigned myself to that. Of course, the Fates would have it otherwise. On a February night in 2001, after having a panic attack at the James Joyce, I went back to Java Jones to have some coffee, smoke cigarettes and calm myself down. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone who looked like Bill standing by one of the heatlamps. I turn my head, look at him and ask, “Bill?” He looked at me and said, “Jimmy?” Holy fucking shit! It turns out that he was coming down from Portland where he had a job for a couple of years caring for developmentally disabled kids. He decided to hitchhike his way back down to LA just because. Somehow he heard about Java Jones and decided to check it out. Bam! Naturally he didn’t have a place to stay, so I took him in for the weekend. We were so amazed by what happened that night. As we were talking and catching up on things, I told him about how much in love I was with him. I talked about all of my feelings and such, and it was quite therapeutic. After getting all of that off my chest, he told me that lotusblossum told him all of this the year I left for Santa Barbara and had felt the same way about me. After hanging out with him that weekend, I knew it would never work between the two of us. Being a hippie by nature, he was more of a wanderer. I was (and still am) completely neurotic. But it was nice to get all of these feelings resolved. Sunday night I took him to the bus station and saw him off. That was the last time I saw him. So last night I had a dream about Bill. It wasn’t anything too heavy. I was at this outdoor mall, and we happened to bump into each other again. I told myself I wasn’t going to let him go again, but he just faded away. I felt crushed. Then I woke up. I don’t know what to make of all of this. I do miss him as a person in my life. He is the nicest and most caring person I have ever met. Ever. There isn’t an evil bone in his body. I guess I always compare the boys I meet to him which dooms everything from the outset. I don’t know. So right now, I’m really congested, stressed out because of this stupid potluck I’m putting together here at work today, and feeling unloved in that special way. Sorry. I just needed to vent a little. 🙂