Pacific Wheel

It’s Much Harder Than I Imagined

The hardest question I get asked lately is, “How are you doing?” I don’t know how to answer it. I tend to be a very honest person when it comes to things like this which also means I’m not very good at small talk, chit chat, what have you. I guess I can give a curt answer and say, “I’m all right.” After all, I’m not crying or wailing every day. Or any day.

But really, I’m not all right. There’s a lot of emptiness that I didn’t expect to feel especially since I had prepared for so long for The Grandmother’s death. Last week I had to get a copy of her death certificate to our apartment leasing office. Sure the weight of the certificate itself is heavier than most other pieces of paper, but there was also a huge psychic weight of that piece of paper that told me she died of natural causes on July 31, 2016 at 0010.

For someone who has ridden this grief train several times in the past, these last few weeks have been much harder than I imagined. I know what I need to do to move on with my life, get a job, etc. Where I am stuck at right now is whether I want to. Maybe I will head my ass back to Baton Rouge. Maybe I will move out of country like I keep threatening to do. Maybe I will just dig a hole and crawl in it to while away the rest of my days.

Santa Monica Moon

The Pacific Wheel and the moon at Santa Monica.