Sandley Cup

Handjob, Blowjob and Anal: The Kings Version

Sandley Cup

The “Sandley Cup”, a sand sculpture of the Stanley Cup made for the Kings playoff run in 2012.

I was shocked when the Kings won Game 4 at home. The Kings were on their way to getting swept by the San Jose Sharks in their first round series, and I had them losing 4-1. The Kings won 6-3 keeping their season alive. I went to Twitter to confess my sins and got this response:

Due to laziness I didn’t do it that night, but I maintained that if they won Game 5 I’d do it.

Here we are. The Kings beat the Sharks 3-0 in what Darryl Sutter termed “The Cage”. The Kings still trail the series 3-2, but that light at the end of the tunnel is looking less like a train as each shift passes.

The first two games in San Jose, the Kings lost by a combined score of 13-5. They were thoroughly outplayed and looked much like the team I saw lose to the Ducks at Dodger Stadium 3-0, my final game for LAist. Tonight, the Kings were the ones who outplayed the opponent. All of a sudden, they look like the team that could do damage in the playoffs.

Handjob Handjob – Jake Muzzin. He didn’t show up on the score sheet in Game 5, but he has two goals and an assist in this series. He also is one of the few Kings players with a positive +/- rating with a +3. His efforts on the blue line do get overlooked at times, but he is one the reasons the Kings haven’t hurt with the loss of Rob Scuderi.
Blowjob Blowjob – Jonathan Quick. A lot of people were questioning him after the first two games. But anyone who watched the games knew that most of the problems were the players in front of him. It’s hard to be perfect when the players in front you look lost and are chasing their tails for 40 minutes.

Here in Game 5 in San Jose, Quick pitched a shutout with 30 saves. If you want to look at the big reason why the Kings are still in this series, you can look no further than who’s minding the net. Normally this would deserve some anal action, but he’s really boring as fuck. My pubic hair has more personality than what he shows to the media.

Of course, that’s not what is required of him. All he really needs to concern himself with is being a top-notch goaltender.

Censored Anal – Jeff Carter. Okay, Carter hasn’t looked his best in this series, although he did score the Kings’ third goal tonight on the power play. But look at him.

Jeff Carter

Original image on Hockey Gods.

Even with his missing teeth I’d let him fuck me any time. And yes, I had to black out the bikini clad girls who were originally in the photo because I just couldn’t handle it. I can barely stand that he has a gorgeous girlfriend.

I guess it was just as well that he hardly ever talked to the media post game because my heart probably would have seized up on me. It’s hard enough for me to ask a question that will elicit something more than the mindless media-safe drivel we normally get from athletes. But to do that while repeating the mantra “be still my beating heart” silently? Pfft.