Mike Trout

Handjob, Blowjob and Anal: It’s Opening Week!

Mike Trout

Because I enjoy being dirty and a bit subversive, I’ve decided to do a weekly feature to highlight the best performances in baseball. It started on Opening Day on Monday. When I saw Mike Trout’s blast to left field in his first at-bat of the season, I proclaimed that he deserved a blowjob (with swallowing). A couple of retweets later, here we are.

Unfortunately I could not get anyone to model for this feature. Also, since my artistic skills both digital and otherwise are lacking, all I could do were these webcam pictures after I finished my weekly cleaning.

Handjob

Handjob – Neil Walker. The Pirates opening day was a great pitching duel with the Chicago Cubs at PNC Park. After what was their first playoff appearance since 1992, it was curious to see how they would respond.

The offense looked like last year’s version — pretty damn anemic — as they were held scoreless through nine innings. Fortunately the pitching staff also held the hapless Cubs scoreless through nine.

Then in the 10th, up came hometown boy Neil Walker:

This is your 2014 World Series Champions.

 
Blowjob

Blowjob – Charlie Blackmon. The 27-year old Rockies outfielder Charlie Blackmon just made his first opening roster for the team after batting .291 through parts of three seasons. In 481 plate appearances through 151 games, only 37 of his base hits went for extra bases.

After an 0-for-4 opening night in Miami, Blackmon heated up. In the Rockies home opener, he went 6-for-6 with three doubles and a homer while scoring four runs. Perhaps the only blemish on his scorecard that day was being caught stealing in the sixth inning.

He followed up his six-hit day by going 3-for-4 with a stolen base on Saturday.

Okay, he did this at Coors Field against the awful Arizona Diamondbacks. But he became only the 98th player in Major League history and 60th player in National League history to get six hits in one game.

 
Censored

Anal – Mike Trout. After the Angels announced their contract extension with Mike Trout, there were some questions about how he would respond to start the season. Would he be tight at the plate trying to be the perfect player? Trout answered the question right away letting everyone know he doesn’t have to try and be the perfect player: he was perfect.

That blast took my breath away. He did that against one of the best pitchers in the Majors: King Felix Hernandez.