I had some very pressing questions for Catherine the other day on IM. And because I vaguely follow men’s fashion thanks to Arena Homme +, I just needed to know these things. Such as:
1. Why do I not own any short shorts that are in style this season?
2. Why do I not have the tan necessary to not look like a complete idiot in short shorts?
3. Why do I not have the body to pull off short shorts?
1. I’m poor. I’m a student with no regular income so going to Dolce & Gabbana is just out of the question. I guess I could go to H&M, but that gets addressed in question 3.
2. I don’t have the time to lay out at the beach to get the proper coloring. And it’s not professional to be at Dodger Stadium when it’s 90 degrees wearing shorts especially with the blindingly pasty legs that are my own. Granted some players are pastier and have horrid farmers’ tans than I do, but still. It’s just not proper.
3. I’ve determined I’m not straight-fat, but I am most definitely gay fat. Meaning if I were straight, girls wouldn’t mind the softness that is my torso. In fact because I have some sort of personality it might even be endearing. After all isn’t that the message we get from awful shows like Still Standing and that Kevin James sitcom?
But no I am a queer man and a body fat percentage that is over eight is not acceptable. Not to mention my legs are somewhat hairy, and I have absolutely no desire to shave, wax or do any depilatory activities to them. So there are a couple of strikes against me.
And going back to question 1, I do not have the proper body type to shop at H&M as much as I would like to. Perhaps I should go on the Karl Lagerfeld diet that he went through so he could fit in Hedi Slimane suits?
Image yoinked from here.